The Whys that break my heart

I walked up to the school today I heard the children laugh and play I heard them calling to their friends I saw them hugging, holding hands

The sun shone brightly o'er the land The air was crisp but not too cold My children greeted me with smiles They looked excited, happy, bold

The world is such a dangerous place But everywhere is not the same I thank God I did not believe the lie That it's OK if my children die

I thank God I did not believe When others tried to convince me To stay in danger just because The entire world was filled with flaws

My heart is grateful, it is sad I think of mothers and of dads Who will not see their children's smiles I think of them as I hold my babies tight.

Within the last 2 weeks, I have experienced such an unsettling and emotionally confusing mix of dysphoria and relief. One news headline after another coming out of the United States has angered me, saddened me and reassured me that my assessment of that country was correct (not that I needed any more validation).

In my series of posts filed under the heading "The Why", I list various reasons why I chose to move my family out of the United States. So many parts of my existence constantly under attack came back into the forefront in the past few weeks.

I am sure that you have all been paying attention to the news. There is no way to avoid it. Every social media platform and every country's news stations are talking about America, and with nothing good to say.

As a women's health advocate and specialist in Women's Health, I watched a country return to its misogynist roots and declare to women that they are not viewed as a full human with full human's rights.

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As a Black person I am forced to watch, once again, as those who look like me are hunted like prey. White Supremacy caused the community of Buffalo New York's East side to be easily targeted due to the food apartheid starving communities of thousands of people of access to health food stores. I watched as a proud white supremacist searched for a community with a high Black concentration and gun them down, killing 10.

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As a mother, I watched in horror yet another mass school shooting. 19 precious children and 2 dedicated teachers dead all because of too many ills of the American psyche to expound on right now.

Randy has often expressed that he had no regrets about us leaving the US, and he has trusted my judgement on many things throughout our relationship and marriage and despite some initial misgivings, he did what he has done before, followed me to the ends of the earth. This time with three children in tow. When the news came out about the school shooting, I was at work. He called me and told me that our children are safe and thanked me for insisting that we leave. He thanked me for doing the hard thing and having not only the discernment but also the will to remove us from an environment that we'd both deemed toxic.

This post is not an "I told you so". This post is not a gloat. There are so many people who are truly trying to improve their lives and put themselves in a safer and more secure environment. There are many Americans fighting to make the country a more deserving place for everyone. I am grateful that my years of determination and sacrifice put my family in a position that I could leave. I am grateful for the good fortune of a good family and God's grace that I did not succumb to white supremacy and systemic racism completely stopping me in my tracks as many other intelligent and motivated Black people have. As I have always said, there is no such thing as merit when you are anything but white, cis gendered, heterosexual and male in the US. The forces against you are so high that merely working hard is never enough for success.

I am working on finding the sweet spot in which I can revel in my peace and joy and newly felt freedoms while acknowledging the darkness I left behind without allowing it to haunt or trigger me. I care deeply and changing my geographic location does not change that. Nor should it.

There should never be a question as to my Why

I am so grateful to be in beautiful Aotearoa