Wise Words

God knows that I once thought that if I yelled loud enough, strategized smartly enough and educated well enough, I would be able to make the world around me more deserving of myself and my children and the many people who are so overdue for love and respect.

God knows that although I knew it was a long haul, that there would be no instant gratification, that it would continue to be a slow and arduous process, I became unsettled by some increasingly frequent sentiments that would come over me. The feeling of impatience. I moved from being willing to expend emotional labor to demanding that those who benefit from privilege educate themselves. The feeling of anger at being told to wait for things that those before me were asked to wait for many decades ago and still have not received. The feeling of suffocation. My immediate bubble of existence provides me with life sustaining oxygen to thrive, but I have no choice but to be part of the real world, and that bubble could never be sufficient to extend around my children as they grow and venture further away from our safety net. Always having to navigate through our world from the context of our race was stifling (limited options of where to vacation, areas to drive through, regions to work, schools to attend, friends to choose etc). It doesn’t matter if you have the money to do something when you can’t explore because of the lack of safety. Professionally being stifled as well- trying to save women’s lives while restricted by laws and policies made by those who neither understand human physiology nor respect and honor women or those who care for them.

I have watched close friends pay the price as the stress of being disrespected and sabotaged in their work of fixing the soul of this country cost them their health. I have seen the burnout in the social justice, antiracism community. I have seen and felt the exhaustion with no signs of an end in sight.

I have also witnessed the devastating burnout and dismay within the physician community, as respect has dwindled, skepticism has increased, and large corporate interests have made the art of practicing medicine feel more like a thankless burden, weighted more on the side of sacrifice than gratification and fulfillment.

I have seen the hopelessness and helplessness in the eyes of parents and children in schools as they scream into the void for those in leadership to meet them where they are and provide a safer, less toxic education environment.

I have also seen the strong and steady, hopeful resolve in some amazing people around me that things can and will be better. Be it in the social justice realm or the fight for equity and women’s autonomy in medicine, I know that because of them much good will come of the fight. I have respect and admiration for the incredible advocates doing the hard work of truth telling that I have had the honor of being associated with over the last few years.

Amongst the discouraged and resolute alike, there is an acknowledgement that there are so many essentially insurmountable forces at play. There is the knowledge that the powers that work to keep the inequitable and malevolent status quo are still currently stronger than those forces pushing for righteousness, selflessness and justice.

Letting go is not the same as giving up

This past year has been a process of living my own version of The Serenity Prayer

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.”

Reinhold Neibuhr

I have never been a fan of simply accepting that which I cannot change. Instead, I choose to first identify that which I cannot change and decide if I am willing to live with it. Sometimes, when we encounter an immovable obstacle to our peace and happiness, we need to realize that there is often still the option of moving ourselves. We don’t need to stay stuck if we have the option to remove ourselves from the situation.

Second to the theme of going where I and my family is valued, the theme of letting go has also emerged over the last 9 months. Letting go of material acquisitions for the priceless intangibles, and letting go of a fight that I realize would most likely steal more from me than I could contribute; a fight that would keep me immersed in a virulent environment. Letting go of the stigma of making a truly self- serving decision for the first time in my life.

Yes. I have the wisdom to know the difference. I have the courage to fight and change the things I can, and I can also say that I am finding the serenity, more and more with each passing day, that comes with leaving that which I cannot change.