Family Ties

I have often been asked about how my family, outside of my husband and kids, feel about our decision to move away from the United States.

This answer comes in stages.

FIRST- Years of me expressing to my siblings and parents my dissatisfaction and my angst. Years of them agreeing with me. Years of me saying that we will most likely move. Years of them hoping that I wouldn't actually do so.

SECOND- I announce that Randy and I were closer than we'd ever been to leaving, but may stay based on how certain events in politics went. Them saying that they hope those events go my way then so we can stay.

THIRD- Randy and I realizing that single political events would not change the reasons why we wanted to leave in the first place and that regardless of the outcome, the right thing for us to do would be to leave

Shock. I had to remind them of our countless conversations and my many warnings when I was asked "why so sudden?"

Rationalizing. "Every country has problems". "There is racism everywhere".

Out of all of my siblings (I am the eldest of 5), I have been the one most involved in activism and fighting for equity in education and medicine. I have been the one most up close to the perpetrators and propagators of White supremacy. As a high achieving Black woman, I had been front row to as many permutations of micro and macroaggressions America has to offer, yet I was the one being asked if I was sure. I was being asked to explain what I meant by "psychological impacts" of growing up in this country.

I had to remind some of my siblings that not only does my title of doctor not protect me from the Black experience, but that it puts me more in the cross hairs due to always being "the only one". I found myself having to explain why my children are not as protected as they would imagine they'd be from the things that we endured growing up. Being multiracial in this country comes with its own set of pitfalls.

I had to remind my family of all of the parts of my identity that is affected here (see prior posts). I had to make my family truly see me. In the process, they needed to remember and acknowledge that they already knew my reasons because they too have been affected in similar ways.

I expected to hear that they didn't want me to leave because they love us, would miss us etc.

What I didn't expect was that I would have to explain to my family as to the Why.

My entire life I have always been level-headed, thoughtful in my decisions, rational. I have also always done what I said that I would do. At three I told my family I would be a doctor. I accomplished that with determination and grit and the support of my parents as well as the grace of God. I said that I was going to start my family although I was in residency training and I did that, and excelled nonetheless. I have never been afraid to do the hard thing, and yet, I found myself reminding my siblings and my parents that they have never seen me make a rash decision.

Petitioning. I should stay to continue the fight. I should stay because my trajectory was easily heading for political positions. I should stay so that I could continue to use my voice to make this country a better place.

Everyone could think of what I could do for the good of this country, but they couldn't come up with a list of what only this country could do for me.

FOURTH- after tension, many times of answering questions and explaining myself, them seeing my resolve and determination, watching the news and finding a loss for any solid reason for me to stay, acceptance came.

FIFTH- Resignation. Acceptance. Support.

My parents made a huge sacrifice to give up their careers and move 5 children to a new country for the promise of opportunity. I am forever in their debt. My decision to move does not mean that they made a mistake. I have the means to make this move because of what I was able to accomplish here.

I love my family and thank God for zoom and airplanes. We are all entitled to seek our joy.

[I did have some family that were excited and accepting from the very beginning]

This country is full of promise and I pray that one day it really lives up to that promise for all of its people