Imagine

Last year, I transitioned from private practice as a generalist OBGYN to Hospitalist work. Instead of working 5 days a week and at least one whole weekend a month, easily 70+hours a week, I was able to do 8 24hr in-hospital shifts a month. The perk was that I would have more time for myself and my family. I would have more time to have movie dates with Randy while the kids are in school and more time to work on the advocacy projects and committees that I was juggling.

When we discussed this change, Randy predicted that all of that supposed free time would quickly get filled up by me championing more causes and serving on more boards. I reassured him that while I agree the potential is there for that, that I am committed to finding the balance and not eating up the benefits of this change.

Then, the pandemic hit. My responsibilities advocating for equity in education and working with grassroots organizations to elect leaders interested in stopping the degradation of the country caused by the then current administration was rivaled by the new fight I found myself in- defending science and educating the public and school districts during the COVID pandemic.

When I came to the realization that the time was actually now to act on my desire to move out of the US, I was also being asked to serve at my new hospital in implementing new policies that would increase patient safety. I was stretched. I knew that I would soon be leaving, but I was not lying when I declined those offers saying that I was already maxed out on my non work related commitments.

Over the past 3-4 years, I had been so busy fighting for the basics- humanity, equity, respect for the Black and brown and marginalized communities, that I had no more mental space left to work on aspects of my profession that I was more than capable of fixing. Yes I shot commercial footage and served on some panels and did press conferences with an organization advocating to reform that which is broken with the American healthcare system, but on a granular level, I didn't take on any leadership roles at my hospital or in my department.

Throughout the course of my life I had always mused at the times when it is evident that if Black women weren't so busy fighting for that which should be simply afforded to them, we would be at the front line of innovation on par if not ahead of our white counterparts. While some of my white OBGYN collegues were fussing about valid concerns such as reimbursements, or (in my opinion) relatively frivolous things like boycotting certain high end bag makers or scrub companies after a somewhat sexist advertisement, I was stressing over the increased rate of maternal mortality among Black women and suicides amongst Black kids increasing due to the trauma of growing up in a racist country. I felt the need to fight for the lives and sanity of myself and my people more critical than heading a committee looking at the cesarean section or episiotomy rates.

Since coming to NZ, I have been able to have the mental and emotional balance that allows me to work on making medical practice better around me. I identified an area that needed improvement and had the time and energy to get it fixed. I wasn't so busy attending hostile school board meetings or being interviewed about the next episode of injustice. I was able to work on something else.

It feels really good. It is simply refreshing to be able to work on an issue that has nothing to do with social justice, but utilizing that lens to implement changes in a medical protocol that not only will keep women safer, decrease complications but also eliminate some inequitable processes that was making it harder for some to be able to benefit from the treatment. I have felt supported by my colleagues who have been open minded and accepting when new information is presented to them. I have learned so very much from them already in the short 2 months that I have been working in New Zealand.

Just imagine what marginalized people can accomplish when their creativity isn't being dampened by simply trying to survive. We excel anyway because we are amazing creatures, but it is always nice to not have to exist under those conditions.

The problems of the world are not gone and I have not stopped paying attention to all that I cared about before I left. By removing myself from the everyday onslaught, I am now able to breathe, and do good without being poisoned by the toxicity.