The joy that comes....

I am always in the exercise of introspection. Knowing oneself is important to staying on the right course and to being successful. Often I sit looking out on the beautiful views all around me and feeling my ability to truly breathe and I am overwhelmed with a deep feeling of gratitude.

The empath in me is still able to feel the pain of the world and while I am relieved that I am finding a way to no longer be swimming in it all of the time, I do not want to lose that part of myself. I still intend on being a force for good and change wherever I am. I already have.

Recently I have been reading books penned from deep and thoughtful conversations with Archbishop Desmond Tutu and The Dalai Lama. Some of their opinions about humanity I do not share, such as that humans are inherently good, but I have been allowing them to speak to me about how one finds personal joy and how it is OK to do that and possible to do that without ignoring the sadness of the world.

"It helps no one if you sacrifice your joy because others are suffering". Desmond Tutu

This spoke to me. I am still in touch with my friends back home; those still deep in advocacy work. I hear their frustration, anger, feelings of hopelessness and declarations of determination. I speak with family who are intimately affected by horrible public health and education policies back in the States. I read the posts of fellow OBGYNs and Black female physicians as they describe either the horrors that their patients now face due to paternalistic and misogynistic laws or the regular indignity they experience while being Black at work. I pay attention to what is happening and still contribute my time and money to causes that I am still involved in, but I also allow myself to relish in the peace of knowing that those issues no longer personally affect my children, my husband or me. I allow myself the happiness of seeing the benefits of the decision that we made to leave the United States.

Everything in life is about a balance. I know that the peace I am gaining and the years added onto my life will be able to be used to do good work on this earth. I am allowing myself my joy. I am breathing deeply for the first time in a very long time and those deep breaths will make me even stronger so that I could continue to defend those who are weak.