The Gratitude amidst the Grief and a reminder of what I do not owe to a country intent on denying my humanity

It has been a heavy week. The feeling of fear, anger, frustration and foreboding I felt in 2016 has returned, but this time so much is different. This time I no longer feel helpless.

So much can be said about the fact that a fascist, sociopathic racist, adjudicated rapist and convicted felon was more appealing to most of America than a highly qualified Black and East Asian woman. If anyone should be surprised about that means that they haven't been paying attention.

My aversion to willful ignorance and my insatiable desire to see the world as it truly is has made me clear eyed for quite some time now, so the results of the 2024 election did not surprise me. It reinforced for me that my assessment of the country had always been true (not like I needed another reminder) and that not only had it not changed, but had gotten worse.

The grief and fear I have felt this week was for the women and marginalized communities of America and fear for how America's toxic ideology will inevitably affect the rest of the world.

Randy, always my grounding force, reminded me again this week that while now my phones are blowing up with messages from people seeking to leave, that we are here, in New Zealand, and that while there is no such thing as perfection, we are safe. Our children thank us for the example we set of going where we are valued and they comforted me this week as I shed my tears for my family living in the US.

After a week of night shift work, despite being tired, I decided to keep my preset brunch date with a friend- a fellow immigrant to America turned immigrant to NZ. Today was so beautiful- spring turning into summer. The sky was clear, the waters so blue.

Aotearoa is always efficient at dragging me out of my head and into nature therapy. I am always drawn into the practice of counting my blessings and I was so grateful today to be here and to be in a place where I could still fight for the causes that mean so much to me while still feeling like I can walk around in safety and security.

Below were some musings from today.

Before I could get to that, though, I had to go through the feelings of heaviness and the feelings of anger that held me this week. To see that Black women and men held up the Democratic party almost single handedly once again and that white women once again chose the drug of white supremacy over the safety of their bodily autonomy. Anger that once again Black people are one of the only people as a group that can advocate for causes that don't directly impact them while the rest of the world would put everything else above Black people's safety.

I'd posted (https://dmillssillik.wixsite.com/immigrantob/post/renewal-in-the-silence-and-what-i-do-not-owe ) previously about the tendency for many in America to demand emotional labor of Black women and my pushback against attempts to judge me for leaving the US over 3 years ago.

My video below was an emotional reaction to a text message exchange with an uncle of mine as I sat in my call room one night this week.

I assure you that I am not alone in my sentiments.

Years ago God whispered loudly in my ear to GO where I am valued. That caused me to leave private practice and become a hospitalist, then soon after that leave the United States. We sold most of our worldly possessions, that we had worked so hard to acquire. I used to feel a bit bitter that in order to find peace and security I had to give up my beautiful house and make sacrifices that a non marginalized person would not have had to make.

But it is times like this that I am reminded about how I really felt when in the throes of leaving. Staying was much harder and terrifying to me back then than the idea of leaving. I was more anxious back then about the possibility of something arising that would make us unable to leave. The process of detachment necessary to make the move was not nearly as difficult to tolerate as the suffocating feeling I felt knowing that I was surrounded by millions of people who refused to acknowledge my humanity and who had ill intent in their heart toward me and my family.

So, I will be grateful amidst the grief, and I continue in my commitment as a global citizen to work from my corner of the world to be diligent and ready on the defense for what the next 4+years will bring.